If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
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model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.