Now I see why they call it your better half… My wife just stopped me from microwaving a plastic container… did not know you were not supposed to do that… And apparently you shouldn’t use hot water to fill up the ice tray either… Been a LOTTA lectures in my kitchen tonight
I would dress like Batman more often, but I cant run the risk of giant aliens invading and mistaking me for a large Pez dispenser.
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doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
hey salt and vinegar chips people,
all chips have salt.
ur eating vinegar chips.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.