@sarcasm_inc

I would dress like Batman more often, but I cant run the risk of giant aliens invading and mistaking me for a large Pez dispenser.

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@CyrusMMcQueen

Now I see why they call it your better half… My wife just stopped me from microwaving a plastic container… did not know you were not supposed to do that… And apparently you shouldn’t use hot water to fill up the ice tray either… Been a LOTTA lectures in my kitchen tonight

@CAshmanActor

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

@joejwest

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

@msevilroyslade

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

@namelesstv

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

@DirtyySouthMess

I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.

@LostFelicia

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

@jazz_inmypants

hey salt and vinegar chips people,

all chips have salt.

ur eating vinegar chips.

@CorkyKneivel

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.