@sarcasm_inc

I would dress like Batman more often, but I cant run the risk of giant aliens invading and mistaking me for a large Pez dispenser.

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@brennadine

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

@ObscureGent

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

@bencoffeehall

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

@sofarrsogud

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

@rickolantern

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

@djdarrellripley

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

@dubstep4dads

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

@ingerlishman

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

@ManJuggs

Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.