I would dress like Batman more often, but I cant run the risk of giant aliens invading and mistaking me for a large Pez dispenser.

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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.


Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.


My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.


The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.


When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines


Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.


[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh


Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.


Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.