@mustlovewaffles

I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.

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@charliedelta7

I’m so hungry, I could eat this food without even instagraming it first. No, but seriously, I’m going to instagram it first. Don’t be crazy

@_Water_Baby

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

@curlycomedy

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

@Gott_Partikel

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

@RapeyRaperton

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

@AshFrazier_

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

@TheToddWilliams

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

@mattvbrady

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…