Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
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Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Hitlers gonna hitl
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*