I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.

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I’m so hungry, I could eat this food without even instagraming it first. No, but seriously, I’m going to instagram it first. Don’t be crazy


Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.


Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.


Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.


When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.


I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.


HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*


im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…