@kathybotteas

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

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@mrjohndarby

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

@JessiCanadian

I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son’s face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

@FattMernandez

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

@Sickayduh

“OMG I’m so wet right now”

– Me after washing a spoon

@CornOnTheGoblin

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

@Ivsy01

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

@mattingebretson

I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it

@Darlainky

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.