me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
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I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son’s face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
“OMG I’m so wet right now”
– Me after washing a spoon
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.