I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
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Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Natural selection at its finest
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.