TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost