Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me
You are a God!
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
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This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before