I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
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* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.