I would guard your potatoes so hard.
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{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.