@WilliamAder

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

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@GrimReaperInc

Men: We’ll never understand women.

Women: We’ll never understand men.

Dogs: We’ll never understand cats.

Cats: We’ll never understand dogs.

Raccoons: We’ll never understand why you’re throwing out all this great garbage.

@okimstillhungry

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

@Slygirl08

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

@lisaxy424

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

@mommajessiec

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

@DaddyJew

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

@mattZillaaaa

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

@joelycett

Flight attendant said I should exercise my legs then all of a sudden I’m ‘causing a scene’ and ‘I didn’t mean kickboxing.’

@SamTR7

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?