I would guard your potatoes so hard.

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Men: We’ll never understand women.

Women: We’ll never understand men.

Dogs: We’ll never understand cats.

Cats: We’ll never understand dogs.

Raccoons: We’ll never understand why you’re throwing out all this great garbage.


“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.


“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard


One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”


I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.


Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.


Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?


So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap


Flight attendant said I should exercise my legs then all of a sudden I’m ‘causing a scene’ and ‘I didn’t mean kickboxing.’


I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?