I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
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Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
no one ever comes back
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.