I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
You Might Also Like
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants