Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JessObsess

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

@gossipgriII

how do lawyers argue without crying

@ronleibach

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

@psybermonkey

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

@mommajessiec

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

@liberalcannon

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

@SirEviscerate

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

@Donnie_Fairburn

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

@Capt_Spanky

Text to wife: “Would you bring me my ” and my phone suggests “girlfriend.” My phone is trying to kill me.

@Holy_Mowgli

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes