I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

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[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?


Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”


HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun


Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.


My ex bf called me today. I answered by screaming “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!” and hung up.

Should make him wonder a lil bit.


My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away


Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?


Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.


If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer


Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…