@ByrdMan0914
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
@AntozWolf
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
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@ByrdMan0914
@amore_orless
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
@mostly_cheese
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
@UnFitz
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
@BellaBurnley
My ex bf called me today. I answered by screaming “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!” and hung up.
Should make him wonder a lil bit.
@mom_tho
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
@geowizzacist
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
@jeffreyr77
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
@Smooheed
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
@HomeWithPeanut
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…