I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

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I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.


Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?


Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts


My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.


My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.


Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.


DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does


Text to wife: “Would you bring me my ” and my phone suggests “girlfriend.” My phone is trying to kill me.


O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ΓΈ: yes