I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that