I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
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Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Basketball
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV