Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
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this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
The photographer’s assistant
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess