@tomipuff

I would like a warm hound please
“Excuse me?”
A flaming puppy
“…”
Fire canine
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch

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@ThePhilFactor

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

@AnkCoupleTO

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

@StinkyGr33n

[Movie pitch in Hollywood]

A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose

@Mom_Overboard

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

@_knuck_

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

@RunOldMan

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

@HepatitisAtoZ

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”