I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
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#NationalGirlfriendDay
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*