*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
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You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
worst…sale…ever
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.