@notmythirdrodeo

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

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@ObsKenobs

Vader: *waiting in Death Star hallway*

Vader: *tries a cool lean against the wall*

Vader: *fiddles with the lighting*

Vader: *tries a different cool lean*

Vader: *stretches*

Vader: *some real good kicks*

Obi-Wan: *enters hallway*

Vader: I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan.

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

@Jeff_G_Nixon

3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret

“What it is, sweetie?”

3: [shouting] I POOPED!

“Do you know what a secret is?”

3: [whispering] no.

@VanGobot

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

@CineRobert

“Waaaah, my boyfriend is a jerk, but I’m gonna tell twitter instead of him because I have the communication skills of a sea anemone.”

@mattZillaaaa

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

@not_liberal

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

@idkkiana

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

@DaddyJew

It’s so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch