Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ObsKenobs

Vader: *waiting in Death Star hallway*

Vader: *tries a cool lean against the wall*

Vader: *fiddles with the lighting*

Vader: *tries a different cool lean*

Vader: *stretches*

Vader: *some real good kicks*

Obi-Wan: *enters hallway*

Vader: I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan.

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

@Jeff_G_Nixon

3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret

“What it is, sweetie?”

3: [shouting] I POOPED!

“Do you know what a secret is?”

3: [whispering] no.

@VanGobot

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

@CineRobert

“Waaaah, my boyfriend is a jerk, but I’m gonna tell twitter instead of him because I have the communication skills of a sea anemone.”

@mattZillaaaa

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

@not_liberal

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

@idkkiana

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

@DaddyJew

It’s so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch