i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
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One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?