I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
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This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
starting a garage orchestra
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.