wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.