@bromanconsul

I would like to be Ratatouilled. where’s the rat who’s good at my job

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@bridger_w

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

@junejuly12

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

@AbbyHasIssues

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

@1Bad_Scientist

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

@DuaneABarrett

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

@MattMcC1

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

@JohnMayer

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

@SatansTongue

(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those

@pc62488

If you are under 18 years old please Unfollow me, I have underwear older than you.