I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
You Might Also Like
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
My god she’s good.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!