I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
You Might Also Like
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Love this guy
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
my fav colour is also hitler
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”