I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
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Made something I’m not proud of
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
This has made my week.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
the answer was staring at me all along
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people