Tone down the attitude, headline writer
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
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ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
[At neighbor’s barbecue]
Neighbor: How would you like your steak?
Me: At my house with no any company.
I’m not slurring, I’m speaking in cursive.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
David Attenborough: She looked lovely as she sat down to dine
Her: Are you narrating this date?
David: It was the only thing he knew to do
Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what’s wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love. ❤️❤️
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.