my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
some Old Testament wisdom
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?