The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
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Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.