When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
You Might Also Like
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I’m crying im so happy for them
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
When the stylist spins you back around
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.