I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.