Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
This woman is my idol. Free her.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there