My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
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Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US