10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
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4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Gf: you’re speeding!
Me: no im not
Gf: what’s the speed limit?
Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.