@imdaintyaf

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

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@OrvllShrednbchr

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

@Jonesy_donkey

As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight

@mydmac

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

@Lisabug74

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

@DaddyJew

Gf: you’re speeding!

Me: no im not

Gf: what’s the speed limit?

Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close

Gf: drive

@aissalanis

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.