I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.