I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
why would tinder want me to say this
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The future is now.
Ah yes. The three genders
Not today. 😅
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems