I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

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[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly


Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.


your only scared of bullets because theyre going fast. id be scared of a sandwich if it was travelling at 2500 feet per second


My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”


I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.


The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.



“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.


Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.


I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.


Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.