I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.