I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

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“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*


*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool


the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person


The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.


When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.


17: I’m locked out

Me: The spare key is in the fake rock behind the pillar

17: What’s the fake rock look like?


i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”


Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year


Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.


Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she’s diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then