@E_lok44

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

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@matt___nelson

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

@BoogTweets

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

@UtilityLimb

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

@OGPoutyMcgee

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

@Skullcat

When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.

@Not_DeeAnn

17: I’m locked out

Me: The spare key is in the fake rock behind the pillar

17: What’s the fake rock look like?

@TheHyyyype

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

@dumbbeezie

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

@abhorrent_wife

Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.

@spackary

Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she’s diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then