If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
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I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?
Boss: You mist the boat.
Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade level. he’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. give him a second.