I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

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Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

CIA: They’re*


With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.


Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.


Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.


no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,


*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other*

4: I didn’t pee the bed daddy!

Me: Me neither!

*big hug*

It was a big night for both of us.


rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend


When I play the kazoo, I play to win


{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.