I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
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sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit