@CherBear162

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

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@RandySmithWhat

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

CIA: They’re*

@AmishPornStar1

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

@prodnose

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

@IamJackBoot

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

@spinubzilla

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

@Jimmywibbles

*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other*

4: I didn’t pee the bed daddy!

Me: Me neither!

*big hug*

It was a big night for both of us.

@TheHyyyype

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

@donni

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.