I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.