Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I would never take candy from a stranger, but I’d probably follow a trail of bacon straight into the back of a windowless white van.
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Therapist: *pulls up in a brand new Mercedes*
Me: You’re welcome
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Jim Carrey: all righty then
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children