@shariv67

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

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@daemonic3

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

@3sunzzz

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

@Twitmytweeties

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

@Carter_TCB

One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.

@DaddyJew

Me: I can’t come in today, too much snow

Boss: according to your FB page you’ve already started day drinking and are messaging me from inside an igloo you built

Me: that is correct

B: can I come hang?

@RandomRamblr

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

@SamuraiCorndog

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

@better_off_dad

It’s not considered ‘people watching’ if you do it through their bedroom window, apparently.

@TheRolo

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

@UncleDuke1969

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves