I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
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I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.