I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

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[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*


a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’


(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.


The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!


“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”


[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real


MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.