The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
“Money isn’t everything,” I say, poorly.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.