I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
5 ways to appear taller
Some of y’all tomorrow …
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich