[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
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My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.