@FeverFlave

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

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@tracietom

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

@savvystrider

My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.

@CantWaitToNap

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@Plurmo

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

@DiamondLou69

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

@OllyiConic

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

@egg_dog

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

@AudreyPorne

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?