I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
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*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.