8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
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“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?