I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Stick it to the man
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Swedish for common sense.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character