I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
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ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
This is amazing.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.