I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
You Might Also Like
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.