@trevso_electric

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

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@Jake_Vig

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

@OneFunnyMummy

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

@HomeProbably

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

@KevinFarzad

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

@ShtFatGirlsSay

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

@tweetsbyrocket

genie: i shall grant you three wishes

me: i wish for a world without lawyers

genie: done, you have no more wishes

me: but you said three

genie: sue me

@teacup_giraffe

Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say “What’s up, Chad?” & he’ll be all “Whoa… How’d you know my name, bro?”

@duplicitron

I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don’t care.

@ThaJawn

(bank drive thru)

Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube

Banker: This is a can of Pringles

Me: Yes, savings please

@itsdhruvism

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*