I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
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My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings