I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
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Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
@ candidates for local office
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁