I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
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Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I just ran a .003048K
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.