I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.