i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
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They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
dam girl
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Bringing home a sharpie
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe