I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
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There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
me doing my best
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.