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ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My wedding will be open casket.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.