I would totally surf a tsunami. If I didn’t get nauseous on water. And if tsunamis weren’t dangerous. And I knew how to surf.

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“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically


Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?


I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.


I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.


“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.


MAN: See my tattoo? It says “Only God can judge me.”

GOD: That shirt with those pants?


Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”


Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*


Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds


Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware