My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.