I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
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It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
“our sushi is very fresh”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
same bro
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it