@sammyrhodes

I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.

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@dorkwing_duck

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

@bridger_w

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

@_b1p0larbear

I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.

@Mardigroan

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

@xor

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

@yonewt

You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.

@sarcasticmommy4

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

@HomeProbably

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

@DanMentos

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

@WheelTod

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.