Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*
Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.
You Might Also Like
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.