Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
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Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.