I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too